The Danger of Singleness (2)

Avoiding fornication (I Cor. 7:2) is not the only reason for marriage, never mind the chief reason for marriage. The first reason for marriage is companionship and covenant friendship with one’s spouse (Mal. 2:14) which is a picture of the marriage union between Christ and His bride, the church. A second reason for marriage is to bring forth covenant children. In marriage God makes a man and a woman "one flesh" (Matt. 19:6). "And wherefore one? That he might seek a godly seed" (Mal. 2:15). Avoiding fornication is a third reason for marriage (I Cor. 7:2). (Westminster Confession 24:2 sets forth these three reasons.) This third reason, unlike the other two, only entered in after the fall. Nevertheless it is a reason, a very practical reason. And is it not a good reason: to avoid the sin of fornication and destruction (if not repented of)?

A couple of other points must be made regarding the danger of singleness. First, inordinate sexual desire may lead one into a bad marriage. Consider a man who desperately wants to be married. He feels a burning lust inside him. To satisfy this lust, he rushes headlong into a foolish marriage. In this binding union he must remain until death parts him and his wife. Second, inordinate sexual desire can lead to sinful dating practices. Instead of courting in order to find a godly wife or husband (with sexual intercourse later as part of the marriage relationship), the courtship itself becomes an occasion to fulfill one’s sexual desires. Outright fornication may result or all sorts of fondling and caressing just short of it. These sins issue in guilty consciences, and, instead of strengthening the courtship, weaken and confuse the relationship. Thus (sadly) though marriage is the God-ordained remedy for sexual burning, unchaste dating may well stir up the desire to fornicate! Such is man’s depravity and the deceitfulness of sin!

In connection with the danger of fornication, I Corinthians 7:9 introduces the ideas of containing (controlling oneself sexually) and burning (with lust): "But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn." Clearly, the Bible is not only doctrinal but highly practical!

The biblical imagery of burning speaks of heat, an inner heat generated by fire, a fire within. Fire is hard to stop and destructive when not controlled. The people of God experience this and fight against this sinful passion by the power of the Holy Spirit of the risen Christ. Sometimes the saint feels this burning worse than others. Sometimes he (wrongly) thinks it is uncontrollable. Sometimes he even sinfully gives in and yields to his lust in various ways. If this describes you, you ought to get married "for it is better to marry than to burn [in lust]" (9). Scripture also says "to the unmarried and widows ... [that] if they cannot contain, let them marry" (8-9). "Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband" (2). This is a command of the Most High: "let them marry." Such an one ought to seek marriage, according to God’s Word!

I Cortinthians 7:7 also speaks of a divine "gift:" "For I would that all men were even as I myself [Paul was single]. But every man hath his proper gift of God, one after this manner, and another after that." This gift has two forms: singleness in the way of self-control and marriage for those who burn. Both singleness and marriage are good states and both are good gifts of God’s rich grace to His people. We often think, for example, of justification, adoption and heaven as purchased for us by Christ on the cross. Sanctification was purchased by Christ’s cross for us too, including sanctification in singleness (enabling us to control our sexual passions) and sanctification in marriage (including intercourse with one’s spouse as the remedy for burning).

All this is also good news for the single Christian who faces little or no struggle with sexual passions. There is nothing wrong with such people. Rather God has given them (at least for now) the gift of sexual self-control.

This gift of singleness is, however, given to few. Most of the believers recorded in the Bible are married. In history most Christians marry and this is also what we see today. Thus the general rule is that Christians marry (I Cor. 7:2, 9).

But some might say, "What about me? I’m single, I fight against burning, and I don’t seem to have the gift of self-control." The answer is that that you must seek to control yourself in the way of prayer and perseverance looking to the grace of God in Jesus Christ. Purity, like all the other graces in the Christian life, comes in the way of asking. "Ask, and it shall be given unto you; seek, and ye shall find" (Matt. 7:7). The Heidelberg Catechism teaches that "God will give His grace and Holy Spirit to those only who with sincere desires continually ask them of Him, and are thankful for them" (A. 116).

Briefly, such an one should seek for a husband or wife through prayer and in the church of Christ, without desperation or reverting to worldly methods. And, of course, not just anybody is suitable for an husband or a wife. Such an one must be a believer (I Cor. 7:39) with whom you agree in the biblical and Reformed faith.